Common Phrases That Sound Dirty and Make me Giggle

"Sour Patch Kids"


"The Golden Snitch" (Harry Potter)



"logging off"




Lolz. By the way, this isn't the super funny post I've been bragging about. It's still coming.

Iz in ur hed, meltin ur branez

I am currently working on a really funny post/photoessay that I think some of you will really love, but in the mean time, let me share some of my internet wanderings with you.

While learning all about the Animal Kingdom (yeah, my life is pretty much a first grade science class) yesterday, I happened to stumble across what just might be the cutest animal in the entire universe: the pine marten. Behold, and I dare you not to squeal like a little girl:
By the way, this album is taken from Flickr, which I am told is Creative Commons material. However, I will give the photographer credit anyway: Adam Lyon, and here is his Flickr page.
Anyway, at first, when I saw the word marten on the Animal Kingdom chart (under the Mustelidae aka Weasel family) I was like "what the heck is a marten?" but then realized I have heard of it before.... in The Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman. It was the animal form that Lyra's daemon chose. And now I know why. Clearly Mr. Pullman was looking for the cutest animal in the world, and he couldn't pick say, a puppy or a kitty, because those animals had already been used in the previous books... so I'm sure he just google imaged a little bit until he found Mr. Cute. Enjoy!

On a kinda animal related note, I would like to share with you all an inspirational passage from the LOLCAT Bible. Srsly. Someone on this planet decided that it would be a good idea to translate the entire Holy Bible into Lolspeak, the language of LOLCATS. Once again, srsly. So without further ado, here is Exodus 2:1-4....

1 Sum guye wented to Levi's place an marryed hiz doter.2 An the doter hd a bayby who wuz a boi so she hided himm.3 So she decided to do wot Pharo saied an put hm in teh rievr but she maded a bukkit fur him sos he woudt drounz. An she sed pharo is liek rly laem 4 tellz us puts babyz in teh river An not sais u no can has bukkitz lol st00pid pharo.4 An his big sis miriam wuz tehr 2 An she hided An wotched him flote awai an she like kthxbai. An teh crocodielz An teh lolrusz did not eated him. wich wuz good cuz if dey did tehr wudnt b no mor storyz An htis wud b rly short bibul.

Links:
I Can Has a Cheezburger? (The LOLCAT page).
Lolcat Bible

The world is a mess and I just... need to rule it!

********If you read nothing else in this entry - go to this website: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and prepare to have your mind blown all over your face (Do it before the stroke of midnight on July 20th or you won't be able to see it for free)********

Since my blog sucks (don't try to argue, you few loyal friends who I have bullied into reading this), today I'm going to talk about a blog that EVERYBODY actually is talking about: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Of course it's not really a blog, it's Joss Whedon's new 40-minute movie/mini-series starring Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, MD), Nathon Fillion (Capt. Mal Reynolds from Firefly) and Felicia Day (Vi from Buffy, Season 7). Umm yeah, I'm serious. The godlike Joss has descended from Mount Olympus and blessed us mere mortals with manna from his beautiful brain. After totally pwning the worlds of television, film, and comic books, the Chosen One himself has now been crowned the reigning Grand Wizard of the Internet. Let me see if there is anything more ridiculously grovelly I can say about the golden child of Whedonness: I would let Joss Whedon make a hat out of my ribcage (thats an obscure Buffy reference too!) if only it would be a "thinking cap" to bring him more glorious ideas to change my world.

But the real deal on this movie is that it was produced by all the aforementioned geniuses during the writer's strike and it is now being released for a limited time on Dr.Horrible.com (until Sunday at midnight I believe), after which it will be available for a fee on Itunes, and then DVD. I will certainly donate my hard-earned Galleons to the Whedon cause for the DVD, but you should try to check it out now so you can be one of the cool kids in the know.

A breif synopsis: Dr. Horrible (Harris) is a two-bit mad scientist wanna-be super villain. His plans are constantly being thwarted by a cheesy, muscle-y super hero named Captain Hammer(Fillion), and he can't get up the courage to talk to his dream girl (Felicia Day). Hilarity, songs, and Tarantino-esque monologues ensue. Neil P. Harris is so funny I ALMOST want to watch How I Met Your Mother. Seriously, check out his eye twitches in Act II, they're Oscar-worthy. You really should watch this, if only because it is probably the biggest pop-culture phenomenon of at least the next 2 days. Even if you're not a Whedonite, I think you will like it, and you will definitely develop a crush on Nathan Fillion, be inspired to buy Firefly on DVD, sales will skyrocket, and the show will be back on the air. Sorry bout that.

Anyway, I'm pretty drunk right now and still in post-Whedon afterglow, so I might find this all a little strange in the morning. Thanks for reading

Exclusive Pictures of the New Jolie-Pitt Twins!

Gotcha. I don't even know if I want to see these babies. From the way the press is yammering on about them, it seems that they are so beautiful and godlike that my eyes might melt in their sockets if I look directly at them.

I thought I was going to be the first one to point out that all the Jolie-Pitt boys have names that end in X: Maddox, Pax, and now Knox. But apparently other people have caught on to this trend as well.

Their girls are named Zahara, Shiloh, and Vivienne. I have yet to detect the pattern between these three names, but I'm sure that when I crack the code it will reveal the secrets to the Jolie-Pitts' plan for world domination. I remember after Angelina adopted her first child, I saw her on Letterman and she claimed that she wanted to have enough kids to field a "football team." I don't think anyone believed she would actually do it... but she's at least got a pretty solid offensive line so far.

By the way, I really, really do hate myself for writing about the Jolie-Pitts in my blog, but it appears that, like the rest of the world, I am physically incapable of not talking about them.

The Official Sandwich of Massachusetts

Let me tell you a tale, dear readers, a tale of sticky sandwich spreads and of tongues stuck to the roofs of mouths. The tale begins several weeks ago, when, tired of dorky salads and stews carted to work in tupperware, I began to search for the perfect sandwich: simple, portable, economical, and above all, dear readers, delicioso. As a non-meat eater (I hesitate to call myself a vegetarian, having not consumed a vegetable other than a cocktail olive in weeks), the search for a sandwich is difficult. There are not many vegetarian sandwiches: the grilled cheese (only good hot off the grill), the non-grilled cheese (for poor people), and the dreaded "vegetable sandwich" (let us never speak of it again). I was about to give up my search when lo, I beheld a youngster in my Museum, chomping down on a sandwich so delicious I couldn't believe I had forgotten about it: the Fluffernutter.

OK that's it for my medieval storytelling, but I am drinking Sangria as I type, so don't expect miracles. Anyway, if you've never had a Fluffernutter, let me explain: peanut butter on one piece of bread, and Marshmallow Fluff on the other. Fluff is a delicious treat that all Massachusetts kids grew up on. I remember having Fluffernutters, Fluff on smores (pre-melted!) and the piece-de-resistance: a spoonful of Fluff submerged in a mug of hot cocoa that would soon majestically rise to the top. Now the reason only Massachusetts kids have such fond memories of Fluff is that the Fluff plant is in Lynn, MA, making it one of the few small factory businesses left in this crap state.

Now here comes the incredible part: a 7.5 oz jar of Fluff is just $0.99, and a 16 oz tub is just 2 bucks. More on this later.

So for a solid week I enjoyed Fluffernutters at work every day (an added benny is feeling young again when you eat one!), and as usual, when I become obsessed with something, I Google the shit out of it. This lead me to some interested findings. It turns out, that in 2006, douchebag State Senator Jarrett Barrios (how did they let a man named Jarrett become a senator? Somewhere a boathouse is missing a surf instructor) tried to add an amendment to a bill that would outlaw Fluff in Massachusetts schools. Apparently, he was outraged that his son was served a Fluffernutter for lunch at his Cambridge school (read the article here). Let's not even get into the anti-junk food argument now (though I might, later) - lets just talk about how lame this guy is for flipping out over something that happened at his kid's school - and taking to the State Senate! Its like a parent going to principal over a kid's problem - but much, much worse. Let's also talk about how stupid this guy is for proposing a bill (the Fluff Amendment) so ludicrous that anyone who hears about it is sure to remember Jarrett Barrios as "the douchebag who hates Fluff" forevermore. Finally, let's talk about how out of touch with his state this guy is for attacking one of its oldest and most beloved businesses.


However, the Fluff thickens (or hardens, as tends to happen when you leave the jar uncapped for too long). Outraged by Barrios's douchebaggery, State Rep Kathi-Anne Reinstein fought back by proposing a bill to make the Fluffernutter the Official Sandwich of Massachusetts (read the article here). Now this was all two years ago, and I don't know what happened to either bill, but my sources (Boston.com message boards) indicate that Barrios dropped his proposed amendment in shame, but will forever be known as a douchebag by yours truly.

So that covers the Fluff side of the sandwich, now onto peanut butter. As some of you may know, I recently started trying to eat all-natural foods. One of the hardest foods to give up was Jif Peanut Butter. You may think, when you're chowing down on Jif straight from the jar, that you are enjoying a healthy, high-protein snack, but you are in fact consuming a whopping 16g of fat, 3g of sugar and 150mg of sodium. More importantly, you are consuming 144 calories from Fat, and both fully and partially hydrogenated oils (see Nutrition Facts here). So I made the switch to natural peanut butter, with that nasty separated oil at the top. However, I found that if you stir it up once, then put it in the fridge, you don't need to stir again, and it is, in fact, quite good.

Finally, to wrap up the story, I recently decided that the brand of all-natural peanut butter I was eating was too expensive, so I looked for a cheaper alternative. It turns out that the cheapest natural peanut butter available is Teddie Peanut Butter, which happens to be made in Everett, MA! So there you have it, a Fluffernutter made with Fluff and Teddie Peanut Butter is truly the official sandwich of Massachusetts. Now I just need to find a nice, squishy, locally made white bread.


But the coolest thing about this sandwich is how cheap it is. As I mentioned before, a jar of Fluff is $0.99, a 16 oz jar of Teddie rings up at $2.49, and if you estimate a loaf of white bread at about $3.50 - that adds up to a week's worth of lunches at $6.98 - less than a Caesar Salad at my cafeteria! Remind me to re-read this entry when I'm a poor single mother.

This cheap dining option has been really helpful to me in my recent broke state - man, I could have written a whole entry about the cheap living I've been doing lately, but, alas, another time, dear readers.

Links Galore!
Marshmallow Fluff
Teddie Peanut Butter

The Curve Makes You Cool

Sorry I've been AWOL for a while. What can I say? A lot of nonsense has been going down. There have been some interesting developments in my life and in the world at large... but that's not really the kind of thing we talk about here at Party Villa.

I was racking my brains for the most idiotic, pointless, and trivial topic to bring up next, when an old Chinese man on the train came to my rescue.

I have discussed 90's fashion faux pas on here before, but I have to admit there is one that totally slipped my mind for many, many years. I'm talking about the curved baseball cap brim. Of course most baseball caps' brims are slightly curved, but some of you may remember in the 90's that young bros wore them with a more extreme curve - it looked like there was a tube coming out of the center of their foreheads. I remember seeing boys constantly taking off their hats and pressing the brim into a tighter curve (probably thinking, 'just a little more and then I'll be cool!') That's where the old Chinese man comes in. I saw him across the aisle, wearing a totally old-geezer outfit, right down to his canvas baseball cap that said "South Florida" or something. Suddenly, he takes off the hat and begins pressing on the brim! At first, having not witnessed this action in several years, I had no idea what he was doing. When it finally dawned on me, I was struck with the desire to run over to him and tell him: 'No, don't do that! Its not cool anymore!"

Its just fascinating how something as simple as a baseball cap can change so much in the waves of trendiness. In the 90's it was those canvas caps from Abercrombie or your favorite Skateboard company, and of course, the extreme curved brim. Now no insecure young man would be caught in anything but an officially licensed MLB fitted cap with, apparently, a perfectly flat brim.

I checked out the website for Lids (the store that sells nothing but caps where many a young man has spent his whole allowance) and all of their official fitted caps come with a perfectly flat brim, so I guess they leave it up to the buyer to curve as they see fit. I even found, in the "Hat Science" (seriously) section of their FAQs, a primer, if you will, on how to achieve the perfect curve. And I quote:

# Can the bill curve to fit my style?

Yes, it's an ancient Lids and Hat World secret, the perfect curve. For starters, not everyone is qualified to pull off the perfect curve; it takes a bit of practice. Secondly, if you shop this Web site or pop into any Lids or Hat World store, you can actually pick up The Perfect Curve a device which allows you to adjust the curve of your hat - and store and wash your hat while keeping that curve.

But for now, a lesson. Because that's what Hat Science is all about.

* Hold your hat upside-down, brim facing you.
* Using both hands, curl each end of the brim upward until the ends meet.
* Turn the hat over and roll the cylindrical brim back and forth until you have the perfect curve.
* Practice, practice, practice!

Well thats it for now. If anyone has any pictures of the evolution of hat styles, I would love to see them, especially extreme curved brim.

Btw, if any of you are not watching So You Think you can Dance - you should be. They are really fantastic dancers and the show is actually really enjoyable. Furthermore, I have developed my first girl-crush of the summer on Kherington Payne.

Huge Balls!

Sorry I have been AWOL for the past couple days. Both me and my home computer have been on the DL for a while. Wow, I just used a military acronym and a sports acronym back to back in two sentences. But this post is about sports, so let the sports references roll.

Amid the hustle and bustle on my way to work a few days back, I couldn't help but notice a plethora (yeah thats right, I said plethora. look it up) of enormous balls all around me. No... not like that... it wasn't that kind of morning... I'm talking about sports balls!!!

First, just outside the TD Banknorth Garden, I felt compelled by my long-dormant Celtics pride to snap these pictures...





It feels great to see the trophy there and everything... but isn't this a little jinxy? I was blown away by the devil-may-care attitude they had with those TV commercials, where the players are holding/kissing the real trophy... I would never agree to do that if I was a player! But I guess since both teams are doing the commercials, and both have the giant trophy outside their stadiums, there's equal jinxing going on.

But I mean we all know that jinxing isn't our biggest worry... I think that, god forbid, if the Celtics fail to win tonight, I am going to begin to smell a rat. According to the Los Angeles Times, Game 3 was the highest rated NBA finals game since 2004. Why wouldn't the NBA and ABC want to extend this thing to seven games? I'm going to be watching the calls very carefully tonight. But lets try to be a little optimistic: GO CELTICS!!!!

Now on to America's Pastime. This giant ball shocked me a little bit:


I mean everyone knows their place of work is someday going to be turned into a giant ball, but it's still always a shock when it finally happens. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that ball is the Charles Hayden Planetarium, all decked out baseball-style for the new exhibit at the Museum of Science, "Baseball as America." It's got a really janky title, and the exhibit contains about as much science as the "theory" of intelligent design, but it's still pretty cool. If I didn't already get to see everything for free, I would probably pay admission price just to see Curt Schilling's Bloody Sock. They also have cool interactive pitching and batting cages where you can test your strength and your reflexes. And you won't be embarassed to give it a try because, heck, it's the Museum of Science. Anyone who can actually hit, catch, or throw a baseball is out there playing, not inside at a Museum.

But yeah I definitely recommend checking out Baseball As America, and while you're here, swing by the planetarium where you can find the most exciting exhibit of all: me, in my natural habitat.

Click here to read up on Tim Donaghy, the NBA ref accused of fixing the NBA playoffs in 2002.

Click here to read a fantastic Boston Globe review of Baseball as America, written by Mark Feeney, who comes up with some highly creative imagery regarding the aforementioned Bloody Sock.

Click here to read some sadder news about the Museum of Science. Last Tuesday, over forty of our employees were laid off. Luckily my immediate department was spared, but it was a terrible day for the whole Museum.

Turning Japanese

It's pretty hot. Last night I dined in Hell. It was absolutely unbearable, and after unsuccessfully searching for a breezy location in my hitherto perfect apartment, I decided to plunk down in front of the TV, get drunk, and hopefully fall asleep.

Luckily, Disney's Finding Nemo, probably the second best computer animated feature of all time, After Toy Story, was on TV, so I was all set.

Not only did I get to watch this heartwarming story, I also got a sneak preview of ABC's action packed summer lineup! Along with the triumphant (?) return of "The Mole", ABC has turned to our brothers in the Land of the Rising Sun for inspiration, and created two super fantastic new game shows: "Wipeout", which appears to be a ripoff of "MXC" except with fat white people (lame), and "I Survived a Japanese Game Show," in which fat white people apparently get kidnapped, and forced to compete in a bizarre Japanese game show.

Imagine if we captured Japanese tourists and forced them to compete in our stupid game shows....

Tonight, to win 50 000 US Dollars, all you have to do is bring shame upon your family by revealing all their secrets of national television!!! (Moment of Truth).

A lot of people are saying that Moment of Truth is the worst reality/game show of all time. But those people apparently just don't remember "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?", "Who Wants to Marry My Dad?", "The Swan," and last AND ABSOLUTELY THE WORST TELEVISION PROGRAM EVER MADE, "Are You Hot?"

I think only "Who Wants to Not Get Beheaded?" Hosted by Osama Bin Laden, or "The NAMBLA Dating Game!" could possibly be worse. Anyone else remember any other terrible reality shows?

Advertisements that Blow

As many of you know, advertising is offered as a major, a four year degree program, at many distinguished institutions of higher learning. Therefore, I conclude that there must be a lot more to it than most of us would imagine.

However, I must say that lately, I have been observing such terrible advertisements, particularly in print media, that I have begun to wonder what they are teaching in those classes. I have decided to start a new segment called "Advertisements that Blow" - which will be posted every time I see one of these monstrosities.

On that note - if anyone is currently reading this garbage - I want to give you all this opportunity to send me your ideas!!! If you see a terrible ad, send it to me, email: mbmacdonald@gmail.com. Feel free to let me know ANYTHING you want to see mentioned on this blog. You want my opinion on something, I'll serve it up, piping hot. I especially would love to see some comments in the comments section (at the bottom of each post). I mean, I'm trying to become a minor internet celebrity here - and a loyal group of readers/sycophants is definitely a requirement. So comment! I love you all.

Ok so my advertisement that blows today is for a new(?) TBS television program (?) called the Bill Engvall Show.



I have never of heard of this program, but I am going to try to guess what it's about based on this advertisement. Here goes:

The man seated at the center, who I assume must be the great Bill Engvall himself, is a master inventor renowned throughout the world. Money, servants, fame, above-average intelligence - he has everything. Everything, except the love of a family. So our hero Maestro Engvall embarks on a mission to build a loving family - not in the traditional way, no. Our hero decides to put his skill as an engineer to use - and create a totally perfect, state-of-the-art robotic family!

It doesn't take our hero long to create three beautiful, perfect, robots of the finest titanium and hardened molded plastic: his beautiful wife, the MomBot, and his two perfect Aryan children, SonBot and DaughterBot. However, all three look identical, and he worries he will not be able to tell them apart. Having never had a family of own, he has no idea what they should look or act like, so, he turns to the family sitcoms of the late 90's, such as "Two of a Kind" and "8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter" for inspiration. After many grueling hours of research, he comes up with a personality profile for each family member, and uses these profiles to make specified modifications to each Bot.


He gives the DaughterBot the best wig money can buy from the HairDo by Jessica Simpson Collection. He also glues a cell phone to the side of her face and locks her eyes in the back of her sockets so she appears to be rolling them at all times. He takes the audio chip from the game "Mall Madness" and installs it in her hard drive. She can now say phrases such as: "That is so last season!" and "Daddy gimme your AmEx!"


After watching a few hours of Disney Channel sitcoms, Engvall learns that boys are now wearing their hair in the "Posh Bob" style, so gives his SonBot this most manly haircut. He also arranges his facial expression into a permanent sneer and installs the "skater 'tude" software package that was originally developed for Tony Hawk's ProSkater on Playstation.


Finally, he gives MomBot the patented Mom Hair, and a few choice peices from the Jaclyn Smith Collection for Kmart. She does not need an audio chip, Engvall decides.

His family is now complete. Or is it? Suddenly Engvall wonders, with such an ungodly perfect family, how will they ever get into any hilarious predicaments like his sitcom heroes? They need someone else, a family member who isn't perfect, who is inexplicably different from the rest, someone who would serve as both a catalyst for trouble, and the butt of well-timed jokes.

Engvall decides that a third "weirdo" child is necessary. However, left with only scraps from the construction of the previous three Bots, Engvall's FreakBot ends up looking much less refined than the others. It is almost completely lacking in human resemblance. Oh well, Engvall says to himself, we'll work it into the jokes.


Engvall finds himself grasping at straws for a personality profile for this third child, so, finally. in desperation, he thrusts a "science" book into his hands, programs him to carry it everywhere, and never smile, and thus, the "wierd third child/science nerd" is born.

So... pretty good guess, you think? I mean, cmon, that Science kid has to be a robot. Well let's check. According to Wikipedia, the Bill Engvall Show is

"A comedy centered on the life and work of therapist Bill Pearson (Bill Engvall) in suburban Denver, Colorado.

Engvall plays Bill Pearson, a family counselor who can’t always figure out his own family. Nancy Travis (Becker, The Jane Austen Book Club) co-stars as his wife, while Tim Meadows (Saturday Night Live, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story) plays his best friend. The series also features the Pearson children, played by Jennifer Lawrence (The Burning Plain), Graham Patrick Martin (The Girl Next Door) and Skyler Gisondo (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)."

Bill, they're robots. That's why you can't figure them out.

Anyway, the reason I think this ad sucks so badly is that it is clearly trying way too hard to give us an idea of what the show is about by exaggerating the characteristics of each character with stupid props and stuff. Unfortunately they even fail in this attempt because the actors here (with the exception of King Engvall) are all so terrible (even in still photography!) that they only succeed in looking like robots. Seriously, science kid doesn't look human. And by the way, anyone who is really interested in science doesn't sit around reading big stupid books called "Science" with buterflies on the cover. But that's more a criticisms of the shows writer's and creators than the advertising department.

Until next time.

Today's Beer: Magic Hat Hocus Pocus Summer Ale. I actually REALLY like this beer. It's interesting because most beers promoted at "summer beers" are lagers, but this is an ale with a really complex, but still light, flavor.
Current Snack Obsession: Anything. I'm starving.
Tonight's DVD Time Waster: I don't know. I'm fresh out. I might have to *shudder* read a book.

The Mysterious Ringing Noise

So my new place is fabulous, as I mentioned, but it has one drawback: every once in a while, from somewhere outside, I hear a mysterious ringing noise. It sounds somewhat like an old-fashioned telephone ring - a sharp, clear "brrrringg" sound. It occurs only once at a time - that is, it isn't a "brrringgg, brrringg, brrringg" like a real telephone, just one brrringg. So it could be a doorbell. But during the several hours I was home yesterday, I heard this sound at least 20 times, and no one has their doorbell ring 20 times a day, except possibly a stay-at-home gigolo. And besides, a doorbell should not be that clearly audible in someone else's house. The sound is not periodic, it seems to occur at irregular intervals, meaning I never know when to expect it. It's like Chinese water torture. If the sound persists, I feel that I only have two options... go completely out of my mind, or, make up a fun little song to go along with it.

On that note, if you are one of the 9 or 10 people on this planet that hasn't seen this video yet, I present you with The Mysterious Ticking Noise.



On a related note, I am currently re-reading HP7, and I came across something I hadn't noticed before. We all already knew that the two Black brothers - Sirius and Regulus were named after two of the brightest stars in the sky (Sirius is in Canis Major, Regulus in Leo), but I now realize Regulus's middle name is Arcturus (remember he has the initials R.A.B.?), which is also a bright star, in the constellation Bootes. This constellation can currently be seen directly overhead from about 9 oclock onward. Look for an ice-cream cone near the Big Dipper, with a very bright star (Arcturus) at the pointy end of the cone.

Sirius and Regulus's first cousin Bellatrix is also a star (in Orion). If you want to see all the astronomical names in the Black family, check out the family tree for The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. I am a nerd. I will go away now.

News You Can Cruise

I don't feel much like writing today, its been a busy few days for me - physically and emotionally exhausting. Everything in my life is uncertain, and I never know what to expect. Well I know to expect boredom, loneliness, disappointment, and rising prices - but everything else is up in the air.


Anyway... one of things that has been wearing me out recently is the Big Move. Yes ladies and gentlemen. I have left my crumbly Mission Hill apartment and moved into a lovely, sunny, apartment in a small house in Jamaica Plain. Its a fantastic apartment, the best I've ever lived in. Everything is new, clean, recently renovated. Some of my favorite aspects of the house are: a bright peach-colored living room, an enclosed porch, stained glass windows, and an unbelievable butcher block in the kitchen.

I will post pictures as soon as I decompress.

The other news is that I have linked my reviews on Yelp to this page. However, you probably noticed that already, if you have eyes.

If you don't know about Yelp - you should. Today, I never go to a restaurant without checking Yelp first. It is a totally user-oriented restaurant review site, and the people that use it are very funny, helpful and genuine. Especially me.

Male Bait

Ok, I admit it, I've got Efron fever. After I recognized him guest-starring in an episode of Firefly (ep 5, "Safe"), I felt the need to explore his career and find out what all the brou-ha-ha is about. So I illegally downloaded his most notable films, High School Musical 1 and 2 (is the third one out yet?) and Hairspray. All three movies were pretty bad. Well I should say, all 1 and half movies were pretty bad because I could only make it through half of HSM 1. However, I thought Zac's performances were great. He is a fantastic singer and dancer - and I think that he manages to keep his showmanship manly, the way Gene Kelly did. I also really respect that even though he's the hottest star in the tweeny world, he hasn't let himself become overexposed. I had never even seen High School Musical until last week, but I still knew who all the stars were because most of them are absolutely everywhere. It seems like Zac has a good head on his shoulders... I read that he finished high school (in real life, not just the musical!) and plans to go to college.

But my point today is... part of the reason I find Zac so sexy is that he looks so young and innocent. (Ok I'm already starting to sound creepy. That's a good sign). Does that explain why High School Musical is not only popular with tweens but also with women in their 20's and 30's? Can I be a cougar at 21?

Super-young cougar bait boys seem to be everywhere, and not just on the Disney Channel. The new Indiana Jones film stars Shia leBeouf, who I've held a secret, creepy torch for since the Even Stevens days. Clearly the makers of that film are cashing in on the "younger boys" trend. Just watch him in the last scene in Transformers, in which he is making out with a grown woman (Megan Fox, who is apparently really hot, but this post is all about boys), and try not to feel perverted. Another piece of underage man meat popped up on TVs across the country in the form of 17-year-old, 120-pound David Archuleta, the first runner-up on American Idol. I don't usually watch Idol, but I have to admit that his sweet little face and grown-up voice drew me in this year.

Ok, so let's be real. They're not that young. I was surprised to find that Zac Efron was born in 1987, the same year I was born, and Shia LeBeouf was born in 1986, meaning he is actually older than me. Even Archuleta is seventeen, which means, I believe, that legally, he is fair game, though I haven't checked my statutory rape laws lately. But hey, Debra LaFave only got 3 years house arrest for schtupping a fourteen-year-old, so you just got to weigh the options. (Legal note: I am in no way promoting or encouraging statutory rape of minors.)

The point is though, that they look young. It's clear that TV, movie, and music producers have noticed this trend. Look at Indiana Jones... in the last movie, the co-star was Sir Sean Connery. Sorry, man, Silver Foxes are out. Younger men are the new pink.

Today's Beer: It's Cider now! My roomate introduced me to Strongbow Cider (which I am calling "Strongbad" Cider), and its a delightful, refreshing treat. Just perfect for the hell of moving.
Current Snack Obsession: My homemade banana bread.
Tonight's DVD Time Waste: Juno. I haven't seen it yet.

One Muffin Top with a Side of Whale Tail, Coming up!

Recently my Wikipedia travels took me to the page entitled "2000s fashion." First of all, what the heck is the 2000s? Is that just the decade between 2000 and 2010, or is it the whole millenium? Either way, it's weird to be commenting on the era we are currently experiencing. And btdubs, what are we going to call the next decade? The 10s? The teens? I dunno. I just can't wait until we get to the next "Roaring 20s!" I say we bring back the Charleston.

Anyway, this list of "fashions" contained some of the lame-ass stuff we're all too familiar with: crocs, ponchos, trucker hats, boho-chic, etc (oh please let this decade be over soon!) but a surprisingly large amount of the list was dedicated to the ... unfortunate ... side-effects of low-rise pants.

A Primer:

1. Low-rise jeans/pants


"The 'rise' of a jeans is determined by the distance between the crotch and the waist and is usually around 30 cm (12 inches) on regular pants. In comparison, the average measurement of low-rise jeans is roughly 20 cm (8 inches), with some as little as 7-10 cm (3-4 inches)." -Wikipedia. Low rise jeans were a great idea on paper. And on emaciated models. (Those jeans are True Religion if you're interested in finding them. But you should be aware that the low-rise era is over, and never should have begun in the first place.)

2. Lower Back Tattoo



Also known as the "tramp stamp," this is the perfect tacky accessory to go along with your low rise jeans. Vince Vaughn's character in "Wedding Crashers" claimed that the lower back tattoo "might as well be a bullseye." I have heard other men call it a "coaster" (you can figure that one out on your own).

3. Muffin Top



Ok, now we're getting to the meat of the thing. I first heard the term "muffin top" applied to my 11th grade Greek teacher Ms. Pagos, who used to wear tight leather pants and black t-shirts. She was a terrible teacher, so I didn't get outraged over this unkind term. I don't think I need to explain muffin top. The picture speaks for itself. It's pretty much the most accurately descriptive term I've ever heard until....

4. Whale tail



I had never heard this term before, but I have witnessed this phenomenon, oh, so many times. This one actually really bothers me. Ass-cleavage, whether complimented by a skanky thong or not, is not attractive. One article I read claimed it was the "new cleavage." Umm no. Regular cleavage has been a sexy weapon of provocateurs for centuries, while ass-cleavage has been a fashion faux pas of plumbers for decades. Ass-cleavage is actually the great equalizer because it looks equally as revolting on skinny girls and big girls (and "real size" ladies like myself) - oh and also on men! Men can actually take ass-cleavage to a new low with the addition of back/butt hair. But oh yeah we were talking about whale tail.... I actually have several candid "whale tail" shots on my camera phone. I wish I could put them up, but I can't afford that nifty cord that connects the phone to the computer.


None of this is an idictment on anyone who is lucky enough to have a little junk in their trunk. This is an indictment on the stupid (low) fashion industry for creating these monstrous trends, and the even stupider public for blindly following them. I was talking to my mother, who works with junior high and high school students, about these disturbing developments, and she mentioned that kids at that age would rather be caught muffin-topping etc than wearing jeans that weren't the "right" style at the moment. I'm so glad high school is over.

The News in Brief, Courtesy of the Boston Metro

Hey Y'all! It's your girl Mary. I'm back, and this time it's personal. Actually none of that is true. I didn't really go anywhere, and if I did, starting a blog is certainly not enough to qualify me as back. But lets get this out of the way now: I am starting this blog for several reasons: as something to help me in the process of getting my life back on track, and also so that I sit down and write at least a little something once in a while. I plan to write about news, tv, food, everyday life woes, and other things, all with my sarcastic little twist. Oh and the title is a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Ok so my inaugural post today is going to be about some stories I read this week in the Boston metro. For those of you who don't know, the metro is a free daily newspaper that can be found in Boston and other cities throughout the world. Each city has their own "version" of the metro, though almost all of their stories are from the newswire, or -shudder - the internet. Well, let me set the scene for you. For about a month now, I've been making a charade of pretending to read a novel on the way to work everyday. I didn't actually want to read a novel, I just wanted to distinguish myself a little from the d-bags on the T who sit all zombied out with their Ipods and sidekicks and iphones and what have you. So I got a book from the library, and I won't tell you what book, but I didn't want to get something lame like a Jodi Piccoult novel or something, so I took out a large, esoteric, genre novel I was somewhat familiar with, and for the next few weeks, pretended to read it. I got about 100 pages when I finally gave up, admitted how absolutely god-awful boring this book was, and how much I would rather just stare awkwardly at people. So now the book is on my floor, and I've been reading the Metro.

Good Lord! The Metro rules! It engages me in a way real newspapers never could, and it even comes with super-easy Crosswords and Sudokus to make me feel good about myself.

Anyway... here are the week's top stories.

1. R. Kelly Sex Tape Shown at Child Pornography Trial

So apparently, R. Kelly is on trial for child porn. I don't know if this is the same case that's been going on for years or a new one. I really don't care. In my opinion, the longer they keep R. Kelly in the courthouse and out of the recording studio, the better. But here's what got me about this article. The Metro writes:

"...prosecutor Shauna Boliker warned jurors they would have
to watch a videotape depicting an 'underage child performing
sex acts that you have never seen before.'"

Wow. Sex acts that you have never seen before? Umm, is that a guarantee? Because I have seen quite a bit. What does some 13-year-old girl know about that I don't? And way to promote this video as the fetish hit of the year, prosecutor. You're even making me want to watch it. And I hate being made to feel like a perv (I'm looking at you Shia LeBeouf and the cast of Newsies)!


2. Bear Grylls called 'Boy Scout' By Fellow Survivalist

Some other wilderness survival expert named Ray Mears recently dissed Bear Grylls (of the Discovery Channel's 'Man vs. Wild'), saying:

"Do I look for tips from Bear Grylls? Yes - on how not to make television programs... I welcome the competition, but I want to see real experts, not Boy Scouts pretending to
be."

According to the Metro, Bear has not responded to this comment. He probably doesn't even know about it, because I'm sure he, like the rest of us, doesn't give a crap who Ray Mears is or what he has to say. So let's recap: unknown guy insults Bear Grylls, Bear Grylls has no comment. Now, my first reaction to this article was (well, my first reaction besides 'Oh god Bear Grylls, do me! Do me in a pile of elephant dung!): This is a story? We've all already heard the rumors about the behind-the-scenes shenanigans on M v. W. Now this guy is chiming in and it's a story? So how much room did this "article" take up, you ask? A whole page. Seriously. The main story is a full half a page, and there are 2 related sidebars. All that, plus a few ads, takes up the whole page!

Now I would be the first one to criticize Bear Grylls, except that I was never stupid enough to believe that he really did all the things he talked about on his show. However, you can't deny that the man ate a live scorpion, and elephant dung on camera. I also find it hilarious that Ray Mears apparently looks to Bear Grylls on how not to make a television program, when Bear has a totally enjoyable, ridiculously successful TV show while I have never seen or heard of Ray Mears before. I think Ray is just jealous that he's not pretty enough to make it on TV, so he resorts to petty name-calling. I also think the Metro was trying to highlight their obvious "differences" -shall we say- with the way they set up their pictures (see above). It seems that Ray has someone managed to survive for years in the wild without the use of a tweezers!

3. Some Guy Tells Me How to Do My Job

Ok, that's not really true, and it's an overstatement. In the Thursday, May 23rd issue of the Metro, Pat Healy writes in his column "The Heard Mentality": "the Museum of Science is supposed to do a Green Day laser light show. They just don't know it yet." Umm ok, so as an employee of said Museum, I appreciate the shoutout for our totally rad laser shows, but I am also annoyed to hear, for the 10,000,000th time, what someone thinks would be the perfect laser show. People make these suggestions to me all the time. Most of the people who make them have never been the Museum, and some of them have never seen a laser show before. If you want to listen to favorite band in the big dark dome, here's what you should do: 1. Go to the Museum of Science and pay to see a laser show; 2. Fill out a comment card regarding your experience at that laser show, and also indicate what laser shows you would like to see in the future; 3. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOW UP TO THE GOD DAMN SHOW YOU BEGGED FOR.

A few years ago, Radiohead fans mobilized and convinced the Museum to do a Laser Radiohead show, and it was a total flop. It seems none of the rabid fans, who begged for it, bothered to come to the show. That having been said, we are giving Radiohead another shot this summer. Starting in June, Laser Radiohead is back. We're hoping to capitalize on their summer tour excitement. We will also be debuting Laser Queen, Laser 80's and Laser X (90's alternative and Grunnnnnnnnnnnnge!!!)


Well actually that's about it for the week. Actually, there has been some real news, including Ted Kennedy's unfortunate brain tumor (the Kennedy curse strikes again!) and David Cook winning American idol, but who wants to talk about those depressing stories? Wow, blogging is hard work! I'm exhausted.

Current snack obsession: my homemade Bruschetta, Green and Black's Dark chocolate
Today's Beer: Miller High Life - hey, I'm broke!
Tonight's DVD time waster: Firefly

Thanks, hopefully I won't totally forget about this blog tomorrow.