Male Bait

Ok, I admit it, I've got Efron fever. After I recognized him guest-starring in an episode of Firefly (ep 5, "Safe"), I felt the need to explore his career and find out what all the brou-ha-ha is about. So I illegally downloaded his most notable films, High School Musical 1 and 2 (is the third one out yet?) and Hairspray. All three movies were pretty bad. Well I should say, all 1 and half movies were pretty bad because I could only make it through half of HSM 1. However, I thought Zac's performances were great. He is a fantastic singer and dancer - and I think that he manages to keep his showmanship manly, the way Gene Kelly did. I also really respect that even though he's the hottest star in the tweeny world, he hasn't let himself become overexposed. I had never even seen High School Musical until last week, but I still knew who all the stars were because most of them are absolutely everywhere. It seems like Zac has a good head on his shoulders... I read that he finished high school (in real life, not just the musical!) and plans to go to college.

But my point today is... part of the reason I find Zac so sexy is that he looks so young and innocent. (Ok I'm already starting to sound creepy. That's a good sign). Does that explain why High School Musical is not only popular with tweens but also with women in their 20's and 30's? Can I be a cougar at 21?

Super-young cougar bait boys seem to be everywhere, and not just on the Disney Channel. The new Indiana Jones film stars Shia leBeouf, who I've held a secret, creepy torch for since the Even Stevens days. Clearly the makers of that film are cashing in on the "younger boys" trend. Just watch him in the last scene in Transformers, in which he is making out with a grown woman (Megan Fox, who is apparently really hot, but this post is all about boys), and try not to feel perverted. Another piece of underage man meat popped up on TVs across the country in the form of 17-year-old, 120-pound David Archuleta, the first runner-up on American Idol. I don't usually watch Idol, but I have to admit that his sweet little face and grown-up voice drew me in this year.

Ok, so let's be real. They're not that young. I was surprised to find that Zac Efron was born in 1987, the same year I was born, and Shia LeBeouf was born in 1986, meaning he is actually older than me. Even Archuleta is seventeen, which means, I believe, that legally, he is fair game, though I haven't checked my statutory rape laws lately. But hey, Debra LaFave only got 3 years house arrest for schtupping a fourteen-year-old, so you just got to weigh the options. (Legal note: I am in no way promoting or encouraging statutory rape of minors.)

The point is though, that they look young. It's clear that TV, movie, and music producers have noticed this trend. Look at Indiana Jones... in the last movie, the co-star was Sir Sean Connery. Sorry, man, Silver Foxes are out. Younger men are the new pink.

Today's Beer: It's Cider now! My roomate introduced me to Strongbow Cider (which I am calling "Strongbad" Cider), and its a delightful, refreshing treat. Just perfect for the hell of moving.
Current Snack Obsession: My homemade banana bread.
Tonight's DVD Time Waste: Juno. I haven't seen it yet.

One Muffin Top with a Side of Whale Tail, Coming up!

Recently my Wikipedia travels took me to the page entitled "2000s fashion." First of all, what the heck is the 2000s? Is that just the decade between 2000 and 2010, or is it the whole millenium? Either way, it's weird to be commenting on the era we are currently experiencing. And btdubs, what are we going to call the next decade? The 10s? The teens? I dunno. I just can't wait until we get to the next "Roaring 20s!" I say we bring back the Charleston.

Anyway, this list of "fashions" contained some of the lame-ass stuff we're all too familiar with: crocs, ponchos, trucker hats, boho-chic, etc (oh please let this decade be over soon!) but a surprisingly large amount of the list was dedicated to the ... unfortunate ... side-effects of low-rise pants.

A Primer:

1. Low-rise jeans/pants


"The 'rise' of a jeans is determined by the distance between the crotch and the waist and is usually around 30 cm (12 inches) on regular pants. In comparison, the average measurement of low-rise jeans is roughly 20 cm (8 inches), with some as little as 7-10 cm (3-4 inches)." -Wikipedia. Low rise jeans were a great idea on paper. And on emaciated models. (Those jeans are True Religion if you're interested in finding them. But you should be aware that the low-rise era is over, and never should have begun in the first place.)

2. Lower Back Tattoo



Also known as the "tramp stamp," this is the perfect tacky accessory to go along with your low rise jeans. Vince Vaughn's character in "Wedding Crashers" claimed that the lower back tattoo "might as well be a bullseye." I have heard other men call it a "coaster" (you can figure that one out on your own).

3. Muffin Top



Ok, now we're getting to the meat of the thing. I first heard the term "muffin top" applied to my 11th grade Greek teacher Ms. Pagos, who used to wear tight leather pants and black t-shirts. She was a terrible teacher, so I didn't get outraged over this unkind term. I don't think I need to explain muffin top. The picture speaks for itself. It's pretty much the most accurately descriptive term I've ever heard until....

4. Whale tail



I had never heard this term before, but I have witnessed this phenomenon, oh, so many times. This one actually really bothers me. Ass-cleavage, whether complimented by a skanky thong or not, is not attractive. One article I read claimed it was the "new cleavage." Umm no. Regular cleavage has been a sexy weapon of provocateurs for centuries, while ass-cleavage has been a fashion faux pas of plumbers for decades. Ass-cleavage is actually the great equalizer because it looks equally as revolting on skinny girls and big girls (and "real size" ladies like myself) - oh and also on men! Men can actually take ass-cleavage to a new low with the addition of back/butt hair. But oh yeah we were talking about whale tail.... I actually have several candid "whale tail" shots on my camera phone. I wish I could put them up, but I can't afford that nifty cord that connects the phone to the computer.


None of this is an idictment on anyone who is lucky enough to have a little junk in their trunk. This is an indictment on the stupid (low) fashion industry for creating these monstrous trends, and the even stupider public for blindly following them. I was talking to my mother, who works with junior high and high school students, about these disturbing developments, and she mentioned that kids at that age would rather be caught muffin-topping etc than wearing jeans that weren't the "right" style at the moment. I'm so glad high school is over.

The News in Brief, Courtesy of the Boston Metro

Hey Y'all! It's your girl Mary. I'm back, and this time it's personal. Actually none of that is true. I didn't really go anywhere, and if I did, starting a blog is certainly not enough to qualify me as back. But lets get this out of the way now: I am starting this blog for several reasons: as something to help me in the process of getting my life back on track, and also so that I sit down and write at least a little something once in a while. I plan to write about news, tv, food, everyday life woes, and other things, all with my sarcastic little twist. Oh and the title is a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Ok so my inaugural post today is going to be about some stories I read this week in the Boston metro. For those of you who don't know, the metro is a free daily newspaper that can be found in Boston and other cities throughout the world. Each city has their own "version" of the metro, though almost all of their stories are from the newswire, or -shudder - the internet. Well, let me set the scene for you. For about a month now, I've been making a charade of pretending to read a novel on the way to work everyday. I didn't actually want to read a novel, I just wanted to distinguish myself a little from the d-bags on the T who sit all zombied out with their Ipods and sidekicks and iphones and what have you. So I got a book from the library, and I won't tell you what book, but I didn't want to get something lame like a Jodi Piccoult novel or something, so I took out a large, esoteric, genre novel I was somewhat familiar with, and for the next few weeks, pretended to read it. I got about 100 pages when I finally gave up, admitted how absolutely god-awful boring this book was, and how much I would rather just stare awkwardly at people. So now the book is on my floor, and I've been reading the Metro.

Good Lord! The Metro rules! It engages me in a way real newspapers never could, and it even comes with super-easy Crosswords and Sudokus to make me feel good about myself.

Anyway... here are the week's top stories.

1. R. Kelly Sex Tape Shown at Child Pornography Trial

So apparently, R. Kelly is on trial for child porn. I don't know if this is the same case that's been going on for years or a new one. I really don't care. In my opinion, the longer they keep R. Kelly in the courthouse and out of the recording studio, the better. But here's what got me about this article. The Metro writes:

"...prosecutor Shauna Boliker warned jurors they would have
to watch a videotape depicting an 'underage child performing
sex acts that you have never seen before.'"

Wow. Sex acts that you have never seen before? Umm, is that a guarantee? Because I have seen quite a bit. What does some 13-year-old girl know about that I don't? And way to promote this video as the fetish hit of the year, prosecutor. You're even making me want to watch it. And I hate being made to feel like a perv (I'm looking at you Shia LeBeouf and the cast of Newsies)!


2. Bear Grylls called 'Boy Scout' By Fellow Survivalist

Some other wilderness survival expert named Ray Mears recently dissed Bear Grylls (of the Discovery Channel's 'Man vs. Wild'), saying:

"Do I look for tips from Bear Grylls? Yes - on how not to make television programs... I welcome the competition, but I want to see real experts, not Boy Scouts pretending to
be."

According to the Metro, Bear has not responded to this comment. He probably doesn't even know about it, because I'm sure he, like the rest of us, doesn't give a crap who Ray Mears is or what he has to say. So let's recap: unknown guy insults Bear Grylls, Bear Grylls has no comment. Now, my first reaction to this article was (well, my first reaction besides 'Oh god Bear Grylls, do me! Do me in a pile of elephant dung!): This is a story? We've all already heard the rumors about the behind-the-scenes shenanigans on M v. W. Now this guy is chiming in and it's a story? So how much room did this "article" take up, you ask? A whole page. Seriously. The main story is a full half a page, and there are 2 related sidebars. All that, plus a few ads, takes up the whole page!

Now I would be the first one to criticize Bear Grylls, except that I was never stupid enough to believe that he really did all the things he talked about on his show. However, you can't deny that the man ate a live scorpion, and elephant dung on camera. I also find it hilarious that Ray Mears apparently looks to Bear Grylls on how not to make a television program, when Bear has a totally enjoyable, ridiculously successful TV show while I have never seen or heard of Ray Mears before. I think Ray is just jealous that he's not pretty enough to make it on TV, so he resorts to petty name-calling. I also think the Metro was trying to highlight their obvious "differences" -shall we say- with the way they set up their pictures (see above). It seems that Ray has someone managed to survive for years in the wild without the use of a tweezers!

3. Some Guy Tells Me How to Do My Job

Ok, that's not really true, and it's an overstatement. In the Thursday, May 23rd issue of the Metro, Pat Healy writes in his column "The Heard Mentality": "the Museum of Science is supposed to do a Green Day laser light show. They just don't know it yet." Umm ok, so as an employee of said Museum, I appreciate the shoutout for our totally rad laser shows, but I am also annoyed to hear, for the 10,000,000th time, what someone thinks would be the perfect laser show. People make these suggestions to me all the time. Most of the people who make them have never been the Museum, and some of them have never seen a laser show before. If you want to listen to favorite band in the big dark dome, here's what you should do: 1. Go to the Museum of Science and pay to see a laser show; 2. Fill out a comment card regarding your experience at that laser show, and also indicate what laser shows you would like to see in the future; 3. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOW UP TO THE GOD DAMN SHOW YOU BEGGED FOR.

A few years ago, Radiohead fans mobilized and convinced the Museum to do a Laser Radiohead show, and it was a total flop. It seems none of the rabid fans, who begged for it, bothered to come to the show. That having been said, we are giving Radiohead another shot this summer. Starting in June, Laser Radiohead is back. We're hoping to capitalize on their summer tour excitement. We will also be debuting Laser Queen, Laser 80's and Laser X (90's alternative and Grunnnnnnnnnnnnge!!!)


Well actually that's about it for the week. Actually, there has been some real news, including Ted Kennedy's unfortunate brain tumor (the Kennedy curse strikes again!) and David Cook winning American idol, but who wants to talk about those depressing stories? Wow, blogging is hard work! I'm exhausted.

Current snack obsession: my homemade Bruschetta, Green and Black's Dark chocolate
Today's Beer: Miller High Life - hey, I'm broke!
Tonight's DVD time waster: Firefly

Thanks, hopefully I won't totally forget about this blog tomorrow.