One Muffin Top with a Side of Whale Tail, Coming up!

Recently my Wikipedia travels took me to the page entitled "2000s fashion." First of all, what the heck is the 2000s? Is that just the decade between 2000 and 2010, or is it the whole millenium? Either way, it's weird to be commenting on the era we are currently experiencing. And btdubs, what are we going to call the next decade? The 10s? The teens? I dunno. I just can't wait until we get to the next "Roaring 20s!" I say we bring back the Charleston.

Anyway, this list of "fashions" contained some of the lame-ass stuff we're all too familiar with: crocs, ponchos, trucker hats, boho-chic, etc (oh please let this decade be over soon!) but a surprisingly large amount of the list was dedicated to the ... unfortunate ... side-effects of low-rise pants.

A Primer:

1. Low-rise jeans/pants


"The 'rise' of a jeans is determined by the distance between the crotch and the waist and is usually around 30 cm (12 inches) on regular pants. In comparison, the average measurement of low-rise jeans is roughly 20 cm (8 inches), with some as little as 7-10 cm (3-4 inches)." -Wikipedia. Low rise jeans were a great idea on paper. And on emaciated models. (Those jeans are True Religion if you're interested in finding them. But you should be aware that the low-rise era is over, and never should have begun in the first place.)

2. Lower Back Tattoo



Also known as the "tramp stamp," this is the perfect tacky accessory to go along with your low rise jeans. Vince Vaughn's character in "Wedding Crashers" claimed that the lower back tattoo "might as well be a bullseye." I have heard other men call it a "coaster" (you can figure that one out on your own).

3. Muffin Top



Ok, now we're getting to the meat of the thing. I first heard the term "muffin top" applied to my 11th grade Greek teacher Ms. Pagos, who used to wear tight leather pants and black t-shirts. She was a terrible teacher, so I didn't get outraged over this unkind term. I don't think I need to explain muffin top. The picture speaks for itself. It's pretty much the most accurately descriptive term I've ever heard until....

4. Whale tail



I had never heard this term before, but I have witnessed this phenomenon, oh, so many times. This one actually really bothers me. Ass-cleavage, whether complimented by a skanky thong or not, is not attractive. One article I read claimed it was the "new cleavage." Umm no. Regular cleavage has been a sexy weapon of provocateurs for centuries, while ass-cleavage has been a fashion faux pas of plumbers for decades. Ass-cleavage is actually the great equalizer because it looks equally as revolting on skinny girls and big girls (and "real size" ladies like myself) - oh and also on men! Men can actually take ass-cleavage to a new low with the addition of back/butt hair. But oh yeah we were talking about whale tail.... I actually have several candid "whale tail" shots on my camera phone. I wish I could put them up, but I can't afford that nifty cord that connects the phone to the computer.


None of this is an idictment on anyone who is lucky enough to have a little junk in their trunk. This is an indictment on the stupid (low) fashion industry for creating these monstrous trends, and the even stupider public for blindly following them. I was talking to my mother, who works with junior high and high school students, about these disturbing developments, and she mentioned that kids at that age would rather be caught muffin-topping etc than wearing jeans that weren't the "right" style at the moment. I'm so glad high school is over.