Huge Balls!

Sorry I have been AWOL for the past couple days. Both me and my home computer have been on the DL for a while. Wow, I just used a military acronym and a sports acronym back to back in two sentences. But this post is about sports, so let the sports references roll.

Amid the hustle and bustle on my way to work a few days back, I couldn't help but notice a plethora (yeah thats right, I said plethora. look it up) of enormous balls all around me. No... not like that... it wasn't that kind of morning... I'm talking about sports balls!!!

First, just outside the TD Banknorth Garden, I felt compelled by my long-dormant Celtics pride to snap these pictures...





It feels great to see the trophy there and everything... but isn't this a little jinxy? I was blown away by the devil-may-care attitude they had with those TV commercials, where the players are holding/kissing the real trophy... I would never agree to do that if I was a player! But I guess since both teams are doing the commercials, and both have the giant trophy outside their stadiums, there's equal jinxing going on.

But I mean we all know that jinxing isn't our biggest worry... I think that, god forbid, if the Celtics fail to win tonight, I am going to begin to smell a rat. According to the Los Angeles Times, Game 3 was the highest rated NBA finals game since 2004. Why wouldn't the NBA and ABC want to extend this thing to seven games? I'm going to be watching the calls very carefully tonight. But lets try to be a little optimistic: GO CELTICS!!!!

Now on to America's Pastime. This giant ball shocked me a little bit:


I mean everyone knows their place of work is someday going to be turned into a giant ball, but it's still always a shock when it finally happens. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that ball is the Charles Hayden Planetarium, all decked out baseball-style for the new exhibit at the Museum of Science, "Baseball as America." It's got a really janky title, and the exhibit contains about as much science as the "theory" of intelligent design, but it's still pretty cool. If I didn't already get to see everything for free, I would probably pay admission price just to see Curt Schilling's Bloody Sock. They also have cool interactive pitching and batting cages where you can test your strength and your reflexes. And you won't be embarassed to give it a try because, heck, it's the Museum of Science. Anyone who can actually hit, catch, or throw a baseball is out there playing, not inside at a Museum.

But yeah I definitely recommend checking out Baseball As America, and while you're here, swing by the planetarium where you can find the most exciting exhibit of all: me, in my natural habitat.

Click here to read up on Tim Donaghy, the NBA ref accused of fixing the NBA playoffs in 2002.

Click here to read a fantastic Boston Globe review of Baseball as America, written by Mark Feeney, who comes up with some highly creative imagery regarding the aforementioned Bloody Sock.

Click here to read some sadder news about the Museum of Science. Last Tuesday, over forty of our employees were laid off. Luckily my immediate department was spared, but it was a terrible day for the whole Museum.

Turning Japanese

It's pretty hot. Last night I dined in Hell. It was absolutely unbearable, and after unsuccessfully searching for a breezy location in my hitherto perfect apartment, I decided to plunk down in front of the TV, get drunk, and hopefully fall asleep.

Luckily, Disney's Finding Nemo, probably the second best computer animated feature of all time, After Toy Story, was on TV, so I was all set.

Not only did I get to watch this heartwarming story, I also got a sneak preview of ABC's action packed summer lineup! Along with the triumphant (?) return of "The Mole", ABC has turned to our brothers in the Land of the Rising Sun for inspiration, and created two super fantastic new game shows: "Wipeout", which appears to be a ripoff of "MXC" except with fat white people (lame), and "I Survived a Japanese Game Show," in which fat white people apparently get kidnapped, and forced to compete in a bizarre Japanese game show.

Imagine if we captured Japanese tourists and forced them to compete in our stupid game shows....

Tonight, to win 50 000 US Dollars, all you have to do is bring shame upon your family by revealing all their secrets of national television!!! (Moment of Truth).

A lot of people are saying that Moment of Truth is the worst reality/game show of all time. But those people apparently just don't remember "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?", "Who Wants to Marry My Dad?", "The Swan," and last AND ABSOLUTELY THE WORST TELEVISION PROGRAM EVER MADE, "Are You Hot?"

I think only "Who Wants to Not Get Beheaded?" Hosted by Osama Bin Laden, or "The NAMBLA Dating Game!" could possibly be worse. Anyone else remember any other terrible reality shows?

Advertisements that Blow

As many of you know, advertising is offered as a major, a four year degree program, at many distinguished institutions of higher learning. Therefore, I conclude that there must be a lot more to it than most of us would imagine.

However, I must say that lately, I have been observing such terrible advertisements, particularly in print media, that I have begun to wonder what they are teaching in those classes. I have decided to start a new segment called "Advertisements that Blow" - which will be posted every time I see one of these monstrosities.

On that note - if anyone is currently reading this garbage - I want to give you all this opportunity to send me your ideas!!! If you see a terrible ad, send it to me, email: mbmacdonald@gmail.com. Feel free to let me know ANYTHING you want to see mentioned on this blog. You want my opinion on something, I'll serve it up, piping hot. I especially would love to see some comments in the comments section (at the bottom of each post). I mean, I'm trying to become a minor internet celebrity here - and a loyal group of readers/sycophants is definitely a requirement. So comment! I love you all.

Ok so my advertisement that blows today is for a new(?) TBS television program (?) called the Bill Engvall Show.



I have never of heard of this program, but I am going to try to guess what it's about based on this advertisement. Here goes:

The man seated at the center, who I assume must be the great Bill Engvall himself, is a master inventor renowned throughout the world. Money, servants, fame, above-average intelligence - he has everything. Everything, except the love of a family. So our hero Maestro Engvall embarks on a mission to build a loving family - not in the traditional way, no. Our hero decides to put his skill as an engineer to use - and create a totally perfect, state-of-the-art robotic family!

It doesn't take our hero long to create three beautiful, perfect, robots of the finest titanium and hardened molded plastic: his beautiful wife, the MomBot, and his two perfect Aryan children, SonBot and DaughterBot. However, all three look identical, and he worries he will not be able to tell them apart. Having never had a family of own, he has no idea what they should look or act like, so, he turns to the family sitcoms of the late 90's, such as "Two of a Kind" and "8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter" for inspiration. After many grueling hours of research, he comes up with a personality profile for each family member, and uses these profiles to make specified modifications to each Bot.


He gives the DaughterBot the best wig money can buy from the HairDo by Jessica Simpson Collection. He also glues a cell phone to the side of her face and locks her eyes in the back of her sockets so she appears to be rolling them at all times. He takes the audio chip from the game "Mall Madness" and installs it in her hard drive. She can now say phrases such as: "That is so last season!" and "Daddy gimme your AmEx!"


After watching a few hours of Disney Channel sitcoms, Engvall learns that boys are now wearing their hair in the "Posh Bob" style, so gives his SonBot this most manly haircut. He also arranges his facial expression into a permanent sneer and installs the "skater 'tude" software package that was originally developed for Tony Hawk's ProSkater on Playstation.


Finally, he gives MomBot the patented Mom Hair, and a few choice peices from the Jaclyn Smith Collection for Kmart. She does not need an audio chip, Engvall decides.

His family is now complete. Or is it? Suddenly Engvall wonders, with such an ungodly perfect family, how will they ever get into any hilarious predicaments like his sitcom heroes? They need someone else, a family member who isn't perfect, who is inexplicably different from the rest, someone who would serve as both a catalyst for trouble, and the butt of well-timed jokes.

Engvall decides that a third "weirdo" child is necessary. However, left with only scraps from the construction of the previous three Bots, Engvall's FreakBot ends up looking much less refined than the others. It is almost completely lacking in human resemblance. Oh well, Engvall says to himself, we'll work it into the jokes.


Engvall finds himself grasping at straws for a personality profile for this third child, so, finally. in desperation, he thrusts a "science" book into his hands, programs him to carry it everywhere, and never smile, and thus, the "wierd third child/science nerd" is born.

So... pretty good guess, you think? I mean, cmon, that Science kid has to be a robot. Well let's check. According to Wikipedia, the Bill Engvall Show is

"A comedy centered on the life and work of therapist Bill Pearson (Bill Engvall) in suburban Denver, Colorado.

Engvall plays Bill Pearson, a family counselor who can’t always figure out his own family. Nancy Travis (Becker, The Jane Austen Book Club) co-stars as his wife, while Tim Meadows (Saturday Night Live, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story) plays his best friend. The series also features the Pearson children, played by Jennifer Lawrence (The Burning Plain), Graham Patrick Martin (The Girl Next Door) and Skyler Gisondo (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)."

Bill, they're robots. That's why you can't figure them out.

Anyway, the reason I think this ad sucks so badly is that it is clearly trying way too hard to give us an idea of what the show is about by exaggerating the characteristics of each character with stupid props and stuff. Unfortunately they even fail in this attempt because the actors here (with the exception of King Engvall) are all so terrible (even in still photography!) that they only succeed in looking like robots. Seriously, science kid doesn't look human. And by the way, anyone who is really interested in science doesn't sit around reading big stupid books called "Science" with buterflies on the cover. But that's more a criticisms of the shows writer's and creators than the advertising department.

Until next time.

Today's Beer: Magic Hat Hocus Pocus Summer Ale. I actually REALLY like this beer. It's interesting because most beers promoted at "summer beers" are lagers, but this is an ale with a really complex, but still light, flavor.
Current Snack Obsession: Anything. I'm starving.
Tonight's DVD Time Waster: I don't know. I'm fresh out. I might have to *shudder* read a book.

The Mysterious Ringing Noise

So my new place is fabulous, as I mentioned, but it has one drawback: every once in a while, from somewhere outside, I hear a mysterious ringing noise. It sounds somewhat like an old-fashioned telephone ring - a sharp, clear "brrrringg" sound. It occurs only once at a time - that is, it isn't a "brrringgg, brrringg, brrringg" like a real telephone, just one brrringg. So it could be a doorbell. But during the several hours I was home yesterday, I heard this sound at least 20 times, and no one has their doorbell ring 20 times a day, except possibly a stay-at-home gigolo. And besides, a doorbell should not be that clearly audible in someone else's house. The sound is not periodic, it seems to occur at irregular intervals, meaning I never know when to expect it. It's like Chinese water torture. If the sound persists, I feel that I only have two options... go completely out of my mind, or, make up a fun little song to go along with it.

On that note, if you are one of the 9 or 10 people on this planet that hasn't seen this video yet, I present you with The Mysterious Ticking Noise.



On a related note, I am currently re-reading HP7, and I came across something I hadn't noticed before. We all already knew that the two Black brothers - Sirius and Regulus were named after two of the brightest stars in the sky (Sirius is in Canis Major, Regulus in Leo), but I now realize Regulus's middle name is Arcturus (remember he has the initials R.A.B.?), which is also a bright star, in the constellation Bootes. This constellation can currently be seen directly overhead from about 9 oclock onward. Look for an ice-cream cone near the Big Dipper, with a very bright star (Arcturus) at the pointy end of the cone.

Sirius and Regulus's first cousin Bellatrix is also a star (in Orion). If you want to see all the astronomical names in the Black family, check out the family tree for The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. I am a nerd. I will go away now.

News You Can Cruise

I don't feel much like writing today, its been a busy few days for me - physically and emotionally exhausting. Everything in my life is uncertain, and I never know what to expect. Well I know to expect boredom, loneliness, disappointment, and rising prices - but everything else is up in the air.


Anyway... one of things that has been wearing me out recently is the Big Move. Yes ladies and gentlemen. I have left my crumbly Mission Hill apartment and moved into a lovely, sunny, apartment in a small house in Jamaica Plain. Its a fantastic apartment, the best I've ever lived in. Everything is new, clean, recently renovated. Some of my favorite aspects of the house are: a bright peach-colored living room, an enclosed porch, stained glass windows, and an unbelievable butcher block in the kitchen.

I will post pictures as soon as I decompress.

The other news is that I have linked my reviews on Yelp to this page. However, you probably noticed that already, if you have eyes.

If you don't know about Yelp - you should. Today, I never go to a restaurant without checking Yelp first. It is a totally user-oriented restaurant review site, and the people that use it are very funny, helpful and genuine. Especially me.